Guest Blog by Cathy, Saturday March 13, 2010

Some have wanted to know how I am coping and what my thoughts and feelings have been over these past few months. This is difficult for me, because I have to expose “Cathy” and sometimes she can be a complicated person. Some of you already have a glimpse into Cathy and I suppose you know by now, that she is not the know all; have all; be all; and do all that some expect of a pastor's wife.

When asked where God was in all of this, I thought, "this is a hard question." I've heard others answer questions like this, but it's a bit hard for me to answer. I know God is here, surrounding me with his love at all times. Sometimes I can feel His presence, sometimes I don't.

When this hit full force back in May, I wasn't sure what to think, but I know how I wanted to feel. I am a type "A" personality, I "fix" things, I go into action. You may not be able to tell on the outside, but inside I wanted to panic. The fight or flight mode kicked in and my adrenalin was raging full force. There are not too many things I am good at, but I "ace" panic. First, we had to deal with the symptoms, then, began the long process of identifying the illness. I have said that Kerry and his family do not present with normal symptoms when illness occurs. This problem has certainly been no different; a hard puzzle to solve. Doctors are still puzzled.

Kerry doesn't complain so it's difficult to know just what he is experiencing, so it's easy to pretend that some days he feels good, although, I know better. As one person put it, Kerry is an eternal optimist so it makes it hard to know exactly how he is feeling. His mother was like that also. But, I know when he is breathing hard while getting dressed every morning. I know when he has to pull himself up the stairs. I know when he gives out before he gets back to the car after making hospital visits. I know when he can't eat, because he feels full, even though he has barely eaten all day. I know when he can't sleep at night because he aches and tingles so much. So, when I want to pretend that everything is OK, I am quickly snatched back to reality.

The diagnostic process has been a progression of “it's this or that” and several “it could be” until we have all been confused. I have prayed from the beginning the doctors would be able to make a diagnosis and that God would heal. When we were told a new "maybe,” we grew hopeful thinking that this time we will have an answer. But, every time we were disappointed and wound-up back at square one.

The other day I read in a devotion book, “Whatever you ask in my name, if it's my will, believing, you shall receive.” Later that week, I read the same verse again on an internet website. Yesterday, my Aunt Tillie sent me a card with this same verse. So, is God telling me to pray saying …”God, you know Kerry needs your help, and you said that whatever I ask, if it is your will, believing we shall receive?” Now, in my mind I know better than to jump onto that verse and claim it as “absolute” although I have been looking for absolutes. I know that not everything we ask is God's will, or that God does not automatically heal just because we ask. There may not be an earthly healing to everyone we pray for.

Now, do I really believe God will answer my prayer, my way? Or, is that verse just there for us to read and say “that's nice.” What if I believe and God does not answer the way I want Him to? What will that do to my weak faith, or do I really think He will not do what he says?” Somewhere, in my background, there is the mentality that God is "out to get you." I have read that "when we pray we bring God's will from Heaven down to earth." I do not want to take verses like this out of context, nor "claim this verse" as if God owes me anything. God is gracious and good, but I cannot twist His arm.

So, when a group of people pray for something specific, is God obligated to answer? Oh, He answers, but it may not be the way we want. After all, if God would just listen to me, I am sure everyone would be better off. If God would listen to me and do what I tell Him to do, everything would be OK. Right?

Now, God works in ways we don't understand and we don't know what is going on behind the scenes. When we get to Heaven, we may just discover all the answers to the things that made no sense at all. Can't you hear God say, “I was working on your behalf; I was working behind the scenes to accomplish MY purpose, my will for your life all the time."

The answer feels so close and yet so far away. Please continue to pray that God will reveal to the doctors what to look for and that they will be able, with His help, to locate all the reasons for this disease, so Kerry can feel better and prayerfully be healed.

Now that I have totally confused everyone, I will close Cathy's Blog for now. Thanks to everyone for everything you have done for our family. Remember “Whatever you do for someone in My Name, you do for Me?” Is that out of context? I don't think so!